I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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