Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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