I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
