I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
