when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
