And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
