i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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