I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
