you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
