They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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