Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
