Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
