I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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