Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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