OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
