He asked to "fluff my boner.."
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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