I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
