Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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