'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He kissed a someone with a penis
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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