Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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