before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i love accidental penises.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
