I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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