oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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