you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
