I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
