I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I love you. Go after that dick
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize