i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
