I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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