one two three fourrrrnication!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
