I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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