It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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