I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I want a musical about memes.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
