I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you had me at cake vodka
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
