According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
