I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
