Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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