Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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