your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
