Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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