i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
