Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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