i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm going to jail i love you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
