we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
