Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize