I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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