Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
