When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
