I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
