I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
