I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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