the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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