I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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