O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
