it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I need a beard to bite.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
