you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
