This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize