I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
