After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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