you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
