we have pet lesbian snakes
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
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