Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize